"For me, it was all physical. I was not looking for a new life, just an escape."
In a letter from "Secretly Cheating" written to columnist Harlen Cohen, a woman explains why she cheats:
You asked why some women cheat. I’ve been married for more than 20 years. I got married very young. I am a woman who NEVER thought I would consider cheating. I always thought if you aren’t happy, you get out — period.
Then reality hit. I changed, and he did not. We completely grew apart, plus our sex life tanked (I want it; he does not! I’m in great shape, he is not anymore). But by then, we were wrapped up in our life, our children, both our families and our social life as a married couple. He refused to go to marriage counseling. I thought, "There is no way I can lose all this and turn my kids’ lives upside down, but I am way too young to live without sex!" Over time, I was occasionally propositioned by married men, and thought it was terrible — at first. Then after becoming "just friends" with one of them, I learned that many people have a sex issue in their marriage, but are happy with everything else. I hooked up with him and with three more men in the next three years. We always were discreet and protected, and it was always with men who did not want to leave their wives.
For me, it was all physical. I was not looking for a new life, just an escape. Honey, you have no idea how many there are out there like us, mostly over 30 and not wanting to change their lives, just their sex lives. All of us in this situation feel used and rejected in the most basic way by our spouses, who then assume we won’t wander because we have everything else going for us, so they don’t have to bother giving us the physical intimacy. In a sense, they broke the vow first with that total disregard for us. My advice? If you have a good relationship, do not take it for granted. And you don’t always have to be in the mood to have sex. Do it as a gift, and if your partner is halfway decent, you will end up having fun. You never know who will wander — you would have no idea by looking at me — no one in my life knows what I have done, and that is perfect.
– Secretly Cheating
HARLAN: Cheating wife loves married life, but looks elsewhere for a sex life, Kennebec Journal>>